The Secret Service today revealed that they were applying grease to every door jamb and many vertical surfaces in The White House, in preparation for Mitt Romney's lunch visit with the President. "We want to make sure the man actually leaves The White House when he goes. He's been known to stick like glue to anything that might hint at a chance of being President. So we're going to make sure he has no post-it notes, no sticky tape and especially no duct tape. Or string," said Secret Service Spokesman Its Secret. (I think that's his name; when I asked he said "It's secret".) "We will also give him booties to wear; you never know - he might have glue on the soles of his shoes. We're not taking any chances of him overstaying his welcome by four years. However, in the event that he does glue himself to something, we have carpenters and builders on call to remove whatever he's glued himself to."
When told of the preparations, Mr Romney said "It should be mine, the precious, it's should be mine!" He then stooped and said "Come to Mittens, precious, come to Mittens!"
Reporting to you from nowhere near reality (I hope!),